The Tuesday night (Sept. 2) episode of "Big Brother 4" begins with the housemates still fulminating over the fact that Head of Household Jun escaped from containment to visit Disneyland and eat candied apples on Space Mountain. Actually, only Robert is still pondering that possibility. The other guests are marveling over the power of the Viacom Empire and the vast cross-promotional opportunities that would allow a "Big Brother" contestant to briefly be a star at the MTV Video Music Awards.

Mostly, they're all jealous to the point of distraction.

Alison and Erika are particularly frustrated. Robert chuckles and says that this behavior is typical of the girls (you'll recall he was calling them "whores" on Friday). Jee admits he doesn't really watch much TV and hopes that Jun's trip to New York City will distract the remaining housemates from the fact that he made them eat peanut butter for a week.

The gals lounge outside. Erika sits and listens to Alison ramble about how materialistic Jun is. Alison assures her friend that she's just a poor small town girl. From her description, we discover that her father, apparently, is Atticus Finch (oooh, does that make her Scout?) and her boyfriend seems to be Li'l Abner (making her, much more appropriately, Daisy Mae). She breaks into tears lamenting the fact that somebody with as many pairs of shoes as Jun could possibly win the grand prize. Somehow she makes this into a competition between Little Orphan Annie and Imelda Marcos. Very sly, Alison. It is, indeed, a hard-knock life for you.

Even though nobody has been put up for eviction yet, Jee is already pleading for mercy. His pitch is weak. He stutters, mumbles and can't get out anything more articulate than, "I need better leads. I need the good leads, the Glengarry leads."

What he does, though, is open the door for another of those fine speeches where Alison talks about how she's totally kicked everybody's butt at the game and where she just expects whoever she's with to sit and nod. As Zach of "Paradise Hotel," would say, if Alison were to talk like this in the real world, she'd be looking at a rumble out in the parking lot.

There follows an exciting interlude where the housemates speculate on which door Jun will return from. That's some quality dramatic tension.

It's the front.

You, faithful reader, can sleep now.

And, rest assured, Jun comes in squealing, cackling and making everybody else in the house feel awful. The prospect of an open-mouthed kiss with Madonna or getting drenched in Christina Aguilera's flop sweat fills people with envy, but they're never so chartreuse as when they hear that Jun was recognized by a stranger in the VMA pit. Robert wants his 11 minutes of disposable fame (the dude just doesn't deserve the full 15, sorry) and he wants it now.

Jun goes rushing off to her HoH room talking about how desperately she's looking forward to trinkets from home. Wait, wasn't Jun just in New York City at the VMAs? I seem to recall hearing something about that. I'm not sure if she's entitled to be quite so needy for her outside goodie bag. Alison, who seems to be removing an article of clothing at each commercial break, tells Jun how happy she is for her and leaves the room to disrobe further.

The gals agree that it's time to get rid of the boys. They also agree to lop off a single breast and take up archery. Hopefully the result will be just as hilarious as "Amazon Women on the Moon."

It's Jee's birthday. Jubilation ensues. He laments the tragedy of his advanced age. He's 24. He's nearly out of chances to try out for "American Idol."

Meanwhile, Alison is reevaluating her options and realizing that Robert may be the only person in the house that she can beat. With that demonic glint in her eye, she repeats several times that she's a floater.

It's 8:40. Why hasn't anything at all happened yet?

The guests are asked to make videos showing what they think is happening in the sequestration house. They're provided with props. Robert dons a curly wig that makes him look more like Liberace than like Nathan. Alison wears a bald wig that turns her into a Klingon rather than a Jack. Jun directs the whole endeavor with the sure hand of a high definition porn director. If only she could get porn-worthy performances. If the housemates are to be trusted, Jack, Justin, Dana and Nathan are doing little more than wandering around swearing and talking about themselves in the third person. Actually, that doesn't sound so wrong after all.

They hold a private screening of their cinematic opus, complete with popcorn. Having received the necessary four-wall presentation in Los Angeles, their film is now eligible for the Academy Awards. They're very amused by themselves and if the movie ever makes it into theaters, they'll probably be happy to provide glowing blurbs for the newspaper ads. They'd just be so darned happy to see their names in print.

Over ab work, the floaters continue to conspire, this time about the possibility of giving Erika the boot.

Jee makes his latest inept plea for mercy, this time telling Jun that if she spares him, he'll be really really really happy. She seems really really really moved.

The Eviction Ceremony finally rolls around. Jee and Alison are left keyless. Alison's out for blood, Jun's out to dump Jee for a second time and I'm out for the count.